12 ways to seem intelligent

  1. Even though you might be half-witted, strive to use the word “repartee” when possible.
  2. Practice your chronic regurgitation of facts and opinions in the mirror to add an element of authenticity.
  3. If nothing else, avoid reading genre fiction in view of highbrow crowds.
  4. If you happen to meet someone named Margot, seize the opportunity and point out the connection to the love interest in Nabokov’s “Laughter in the Dark.”
  5. Drop the name Dostoevsky into a conversation—then spell it if necessary; spell necessary, as well.
  6. In fact, mention any canonical Russian author or classical composer and be ready with at least one example of their work, cited from your Google search.
  7. Familiarize yourself with the term “de rigueur.” It is always fashionable.
  8. Let on that you listen to podcasts instead of audiobooks — particularly podcasts made possible in part by grants and foundations.
  9. Plant a lived-in copy of a recent New York Times edition in a conspicuous spot in your home when you’re expecting guests.
  10. Hang out at Whole Foods Market. If using the restroom there, choose the hand dryer over the towel dispenser — and then quip, “When in Rome,” to any and all bystanders.
  11. Throw on a pair of Izipizi readers and eat some vegan pho.
  12. Know the difference between veganism and vegetarianism. Show off by explaining this to any clueless carnivores.

have you seen this bio?

So and so is the author of “Such & Such” and “Things & Such.” Her upcoming novel “And So On & So Forth” is due out in January. She has been published here, there and everywhere — near, far and wide. She is working toward her BFCCTMTFL degree in creative writing and lives off a family inheritance in Berlin with her five lovers and her cat. Find her at iamsofuckingawesomeitsunbelievable dot com.