Categories
humor lists snippets wit writing

7 quick truths

  1. No one who truly likes to read would organize books based on their color.
  2. Those who use the term “It’s all good” are most likely masochists. This is perhaps a result of institutionalization.
  3. If you’re the type who backs into a parking space, then you are not living in the now. Practice presence and pull in front first.
  4. Sentences of doom many times start with, “By the way.”
  5. “By the way” is a passive-aggressive conversation segue.
  6. When innocently uttered, “By the way” is just lazy or tactless.
  7. The phrase also can be perceived as conversational efficiency.
Categories
humor prose snippets wit writing

Numbness and flying

I’ve always thought it would be nice to be placed under anesthesia before a plane ride. That way, you don’t have to fret over the prospect of crashing or face the slow-moving hours of flight.

Before you know it, you’re in Thailand.

Flying is like having surgery, anyway. After liftoff, the matter is out of your hands. You must rely on a tiny crew, with a single soul at the helm, and you must pray that they know what they’re doing.

You feel woozy at first (when gaining altitude), but then you just go numb, due in part to boredom — and maybe also desensitization. Meanwhile, the wings cut through the air like blades.

Hours later, you descend from the clouds and back to cold reality. Most likely you are feeling groggy and hungry. Or perhaps nauseous. As soon as you land, you call friends and loved ones to announce that you’ve made it through.

Categories
humor poetry snippets writing

This and that

Lagrime San Pietro for the sublime voices. Di Lasso madrigals. Better with snowfall in barren winter but still above-average lovely.

**

Can cannibalism save the planet?
Would you eat a Republican
to help curtail climate change?

**

It’s a perfect day and age
to talk to yourself.
Bluetooth as a ruse —
a bum component wedged
in one’s ear allows one
to carry on in public
unquestioned.

Categories
humor snippets writing

Cellphones are for aliens

It seems obvious they weren’t made for humans because by nature we have greasy hands. Mobile phones are a technology you wanna keep clean. At least I do. But it seems a cruel joke because it’s futile to do so. We live in a grimy world with greasy hands.

Categories
humor writing

Just checking in on you

The emergency room is like a restaurant, with nurses instead of waiters. They stop by to see how everything is going.

Patient:

This sling could use a little more support.
That’s perfect.
Oh, and I prefer such and such pain killers with a glass of water on the side.

Categories
humor lists snippets writing

Glut(s)

  1. Glut feelings
  2. Follow your glut
  3. It takes gluts
Categories
humor snippets writing

Thoughts on consumption

I wish I had some popcorn. Maybe I will eat some pretzels in lieu of it. But that would practically be like eating rice cakes instead of what you really fancy.

I like eating popcorn because you can eat a lot of it with little consequence. (Except when you bite down on a kernel). And the repetitiveness of it — popping one fluffy piece after the other — takes your mind off things.

I wonder how much popcorn you would have to eat to actually get full. A pound or two? At any rate, I don’t have any.

**

A customer is casting a spell at the Starbucks counter. Listen to her conjure. The barista is spellbound! The pastries, they glaze over…

Categories
humor poetry snippets writing

On Guest WiFi

If you are looking to pull your hair out, then Barnes & Noble’s WiFi signal has your number. The caffeine will increase your adrenaline while you get less done.